1 Year

 

One year ago today, Carol went home.  In the 28 years that I had known her, even in our time apart, there were very few days that went by when we didn’t talk.  So, it’s odd to think that a year has gone by without talking to her.  And it hurts.  A lot.  Yet, in those moments of grief, I try to think that she has run her race and doesn’t have to deal with any of the pains of life anymore.  So, I tell myself to not be so selfish as to wish that she were still here. 

This will be my last post about Carol, mainly for one reason alone.  She was not a fan at all of social media.  If you’ve followed me for a great length of time, you’d note that when we were married, my posts were mostly limited to sports or politics or business.  It was rare when I would post anything personal.  I kept the personal mostly private out of respect for her.  When she got sick, and I felt that prayers were needed, I asked her if I could share, and she was fine with that. 

But now, I know she wouldn’t want to be constantly featured online.  I’d love to share the slide presentation shown at her funeral and other pictures, but I know she wouldn’t appreciate it.  So, I’d like to take a moment to thank you for your prayers during her storm and my continued storm.  I’ll leave it with a few things that demonstrate her caring and love for me.

There were many years where she’d come up to me and, with a big smile on her face, tell me that she got my Christmas present. 

“Christmas present?” I exclaim, “it’s not even September.”

“Yes, but I wanted to get it for you now,” she’d answer. 

“You want to see it?” she’d ask.

“No.  You can give it to me on Christmas,” I’d answer.

“But I want to give it to you now.  I want you to see it,” she’d say.

She would be so excited to give me the present, and we’d go back and forth about whether that was going to happen.  Ultimately, she would wait until Christmas.  She would be so disappointed, but I knew that if she gave it to me, she would’ve gone out and bought me something else.  I hated to break her excitement, and as summer came to a close this year, I thought about those times often.

Last Thanksgiving was horrendous.  She had already decided to forego treatment, and she was getting weaker by the day, spending most days sleeping twenty hours.  I would do my best to keep it together whenever I was around her, and I’d step outside in those moments when I’d lose it.  I’d spend a few minutes outside crying and then pull myself together and go back to be with her.  Late in the afternoon on Thanksgiving, I’m sitting on a sofa not from her bed, feeling very much alone.  Thinking about how normally at that time I’d be sitting at a table with my family with Carol by my side.  We’d be eating, joking, laughing, and it would be a good day all the way around.  But now, Carol and I were alone in an empty room, she was too weak to stay awake and was showing that her passing was getting nearer.  In the quietness, I lost it.  I tried to keep quiet, but not too much because there were few noises that would wake her up, but in my sobs, I hear a soft voice.

“What’s the matter, baby?” 

Despite the pain she was enduring, the suffering she was going through and the fear she had of how her passing would be, she was still worried about me. 

That was very much evident a few months before she passed when my business partner came to see her.  I had walked out of the room for a few minutes, and when I came back, she was crying and I heard her say, “I’m so scared for him.”  She knew me so well that she knew exactly what her passing would do to me.  She knew her race was coming to an end, and I’d have to keep running, and she was so scared to leave me running alone. 

That’s how sweet she was.  In my selfish moments, I wish she was still in my life.  In those times, I tell myself to stop being so selfish and stop crying.

There was so much I wanted to say at the funeral, but I kept it on the light side because I would’ve lost my composure had I shared more of the deeper moments. 

                                           (Some excerpts from her service:  Intro, testimonial, 
                                            parts of the eulogy)

I wrote this line as the holiday season ended last year.

“Just a harmony looking for a melody that’s gone
Yule time with no carol, no joyous wondrous song”

It’s been a year, but I can still hear her voice at times.  Mainly she tells me to stop eating so many cookies.

I’d love to share quite a bit more about Carol, but I know she’d have none of it.  So, thank you folks. Thank you for allowing me to share this journey the past few years and thank you so much for the prayers.

Natalie Meets Silverton Bunny & Friends

 

At a time not very long ago, there was a little girl named Natalie.

She lived with her parents in a house by the woods.

 

Her best friend in the world was her little dog.  The dog was just a puppy when she was given to Natalie. 

Natalie would always call her Pup.

“You’re my best friend, Pup,” she’d say as she wrapped her arms around her friend.

 

One of her favorite things to do was when her father would take her and Pup for walks through the woods.

Her father would point at the trees, the birds and the clouds and tell her stories of princesses and castles.

 

Hand in hand, they’d walk through the woods as Pup would follow closely.

“The woods is a big place, Natalie,” her father would say.  “We only visit here when we’re together.  Right?”

“Right, Daddy,” Natalie would answer.

She looked up at him and saw him smiling at her.  She smiled at him with the biggest smile she could give.

 

One day while playing in the yard, Natalie saw a beautiful butterfly.

“Look, Pup, a butterfly,” she said to her puppy as the butterfly flew around her head.

Her puppy was just as excited to see the butterfly as she jumped and chased it around the yard.

 

The butterfly flew into the forest and Pup chased right after it.

“No, Pup!  Come back!” Natalie shouted.  Thinking only of her puppy, she chased Pup into the woods.

 

Running as fast as she could, Natalie tried so hard to keep up with her friend, but she didn’t see the tree stump in her path. 

She tripped and landed hard on her right arm.  It hurt so much she started to cry.

When she sat up, she realized she was lost in the woods, and so she cried harder.

“Pup,” she called out as she wiped her cheek from the tears that were flowing.

“Pup, please come back,” she shouted, but Pup was nowhere in sight.

Her arm hurt so much, and feeling lost and lonely, Natalie continued to cry.

 

Not far away, a bunny heard the cries of a little girl.

He followed the sound of her cries and found her sitting on the ground as she tried to wipe away her tears with her arm that wasn’t hurt.

He walked up to her to see if he could help.

 

“What’s the matter?” the bunny asked Natalie.

“I lost my Pup,” Natalie said as she rubbed her eyes with her hand, “and I’m lost, and my arm hurts.”  She began to cry more.

“Now, now,” said the bunny, “things may look bad right now, but it’ll get better soon.  And I’ll help you.”

 

“You will?” asked Natalie as she moved her hand from her eyes.

“Why, you’re a rabbit,” she said.

“Yes, yes I am,” said the rabbit.  “My name is Silverton.  Silverton Bunny,” he said as he bowed.

 

“Hello Mr. Bunny,” Natalie said, “it’s so nice to meet you.”

“And it’s lovely to meet you,” said the rabbit, “but you can call me Silverton.”

“Hello Silverton, my name is Natalie,” said the girl.

“What a beautiful name,” said Silverton, “and now tell me how I could help.”

 

So, Natalie told Silverton all about Pup, her father, the butterfly, the woods and how she hurt her arm.  Silverton listened intently, nodding along as Natalie described every detail.

“So,” Silverton said after Natalie finished, “we need to fix your arm, find your Pup and get you home.”

Natalie sadly nodded, knowing it wasn’t going to be easy. 

“Don’t be sad,” said Silverton, “I don’t know about the arm, but we’ll find your Pup and get you home.”

 

 Silverton carefully helped Natalie stand up. 

Her arm hurt when she tried to straighten it, so she kept it bent at the elbow.  She used her other hand to help support it.

“Come on,” Silverton said, “Ed might be able to find your home.”

“Who’s Ed?” Natalie asked.

“He’s one of my friends,” Silverton replied. 

 

Silverton led Natalie down on a short walk where they came to a little river. 

“Ed should be around here somewhere,” Silverton told Natalie.  “Ed, oh Ed!  Are you here?” Silverton shouted.

Up, out of the water a turtle appeared.  He jumped onto the grass next to Silverton.

“Hello, Silverton,” said the turtle.  He glanced at Natalie and asked, “and who’s your friend?”

“Ed, so good to see you,” Silverton said as his paw gently tapped Ed’s shell.  “I’d like you to meet my friend, Natalie.”

 

“Hello, Ed, it’s nice to meet you,” Natalie said, trying to sound as cheerful as she could, but Ed noticed her sadness and the way she held her arm.

“Oooooh, what’s the matter, Natalie?”  Ed asked.  “It can’t be all that bad, can it?”

Silverton said, “Natalie hurt her arm, lost her dog and can’t find her way home.”

“Hmmmm, I don’t know about the arm, but I’m sure we can help find her dog and her home,” Ed said.

Silverton clapped his paws together and said, “That’s exactly what I was thinking.  How about you go up and down the river to see if you can find her home?”

Ed nodded and said, “I’d be happy to do that for our friend.  Natalie, tell me what your home looks like.”

Natalie described the color and shape of her home and how the yard looked, and Ed feeling quite confident that he would find it, jumped in the river and swam away.

 

“Well,” Silverton said as he gently patted Natalie’s arm, “now that we have Ed looking for your home, let’s see what we can do to find your dog.”

“Her name is Pup,” Natalie said.  “I’ve called and I’ve called for her, but she won’t come back.”

“She probably just can’t hear you right now,” said Silverton, “but let’s go see my friend Bowman.  Perhaps he’s seen your puppy.”

Natalie nodded and the two began walking into a different part of the woods.

After they walked a little way, they came to a spot where the trees were very close together. 

“Bowman likes to spend a lot of time in this spot,” Silverton said to Natalie.  Looking around, he lifted his head up, and with a loud voice, he cried out, “Bowman, oh Bowman, where are you?”

Natalie saw the face of a bear poke around one of the trees.  For a moment, Natalie was frightened as the bear came out and started walking toward them.  It came right up to them and plopping down on the ground, it sat right next to them.

“Hello Silverton,” the bear said in a low, husky voice.

“Hello Bowman,” Silverton said, “what have you been up to today?”

“Ohhh, this and that,” Bowman said as he scratched his head with his paw. 

Silverton said, “Bowman, this is Natalie.”

“Hello Natalie,” Bowman said, looking at the way she held her arm, “what’s the matter with your arm?”

Natalie answered, “I fell down, and I hurt it.”

“Would you like some honey?” Bowman asked.  “Maybe it’ll make your arm feel better.”

“Bowman,” said Silverton, shaking his head, “honey does not make everything better.”

“It does for me,” said Bowman, and Natalie laughed.

“Actually,” Silverton said, “we need to find Natalie’s friend, her dog, Pup.”

“Pup?” Bowman responded, “oh, that’s a cute name.”

“Yes, it is, now perhaps you can start sniffing around and see if you can smell him out,” said Silverton.

“Okay,” Bowman said as he stood up, “but we have to be careful about that lion that’s roaming around.”

“A lion?”  Natalie exclaimed.  “What’s a lion doing in the woods?”

“We don’t know,” Silverton answered.

“And we don’t want to find out because he’ll eat us,” said Bowman with a shudder.

“He could very well do that,” said Silverton, “that’s why all of us stay away from him.”

Bowman shook his head in agreement.

“Well, come on now,” said Silverton, “start sniffing around and we’ll follow you.”

“Okay,” said Bowman, and he lifted his head and began sniffing around.  He twirled around a few times, and then stopped.  He sniffed a little more in the direction he was facing and started walking.  Silverton Bunny and Natalie looked at each other, and then followed Bowman.

They continued to follow Bowman until he stopped.  He was staring at something, so Silverton and Natalie came closer to him so they could see what he had found.

Bowman had been staring at a big patch of grass.  On the grass was a rabbit and dog jumping and hopping around, chasing each other, and generally having a lot of fun.

When Natalie saw who it was, with a big smile, she exclaimed, “Pup!”

The dog stopped, and seeing Natalie, immediately ran to her.  Natalie embraced Pup tightly with her good arm as the dog licked her face enthusiastically. 

Silverton and Bowman saw the joy on Natalie’s face.  They smiled at each other.

Patting Bowman on the shoulder, Silverton said, “Well done, Bowman.  It seems you and Crystal found Natalie’s friend.”

“Yes, but I found her first,” said a voice behind them.  It was Crystal, the bunny who had been playing with Pup.  When she heard Natalie’s voice and saw Pup run into her embrace, she walked over to see what was going on.

“Hello, Crystal,” said Silverton, “yes, we all know you found her first.”

“But I was the one who was looking for her,” interrupted Bowman.

“Yes,” said Silverton, “and you did a great job in helping us find her.

That response seemed to make both Bowman and Crystal happy, so Silverton turned his attention to Natalie.

“Okay,” he said, clapping his paws together, “we found your Pup.”

“Yes, yes, you did,” Natalie laughed.  “Thank you, thank you so much.”

“It was our pleasure,” Silverton said.  “Wasn’t it?” he asked, motioning to Bowman and Crystal.  They both nodded in agreement.

“Natalie, this is Crystal,” Silverton continued, “Crystal, this is Natalie.”

“Hello Natalie,” Crystal said, “Oh, that is such a pretty dress.”

Natalie looked at her dress.  It was her favorite green dress. 

“Thank you.  Green’s my favorite color,” Natalie said.

“And it looks great on you, doesn’t it, boys?” Crystal motioned to Silverton and Bowman.  They both nodded in agreement. 

Meanwhile, Pup had gone over to nuzzle against Silverton and Bowman.  Pup was a friendly dog, and Silverton and Bowman petted and patter her, and soon they all began to play.  Natalie watched, because her arm was hurting, but she was laughing as the two bunnies, the bear and her Pup were racing all around, chasing each other.  They played until Pup had had enough, and it went over to Natalie and sat down next to her. 

After he had caught his breath, Silverton said, “Okay, our first task is completed.  Now it’s time to see if Ed has found Natalie’s home.  The river is not far from here.  Let’s go there and wait for him.”

So, the five new friends started walking until they came to the river. 

“Ed should come around pretty soon,” Silverton said.  “We’ll wait for him here.”

So, they all sat down and waited for Ed to appear.  While they waited, Natalie told them all about her home, her parents, the walks she’d take with her father and some of the wonderful stories he would tell her.  Crystal showed great interest in the description of the home and the stories Natalie’s father would tell.  Bowman kept asking Natalie if they found any food when she would walk with her father, while Silverton enjoyed watching Natalie’s joy as she described her home and her time with her father.

Soon, Ed came back from his search to find Natalie’s home.  They all greeted Ed while Natalie eagerly waited to see if Ed had found her home.

“I’m sorry, Natalie,” Ed said, “I didn’t find your home.”

Natalie held her arm tighter and felt like crying.  It was going to get dark soon, and she was starting to get afraid. 

“We should get away from here, though,” Ed continued, “the lion is not far from here.”

“The lion!” all the furry friends exclaimed and shuddered.

“Yes,” said Ed, “I just passed by where he is.  I had to walk carefully so he wouldn’t see me.”

“What was he doing?” Natalie asked.

“Just sitting on a log with his head down,” replied Ed.

“Why was head down?” Natalie asked.

“I don’t know,” said Ed, “and I wasn’t going to hang around to find out.”

“Where is he?” asked Natalie.

Pointing in one direction, Ed answered, “He’s over there.  Why?”

“I want to look at him,” Natalie said, as she started walking where Ed had pointed.

“No, no!” all the friends said, as they tried to prevent her from walking.  Bowman got in front of her.  Ed grabbed her foot.  Silverton and Crystal tried to pull her from behind.

“It’s going to be fine,” Natalie said as she tried to push her way forward.  “I’m not going to disturb him.  I just want to see him.  I’ll be quiet.  I promise.”

Although they didn’t agree with her, they saw they weren’t going to be able to stop her.  They understood that if they continued to try, they would only hurt her arm even more. 

“Okay,” said Silverton, “we’ll all go with you.”

Bowman shook his head dramatically.

“Yes, all of us,” continued Silverton, “but we have to be very quiet.  Okay, Natalie?”

Natalie nodded, and they all began to walk quietly with Ed leading the way.  They were all very nervous, but they all knew that Natalie was very sad because she was lost and in pain, so they tried to be brave so that she can see what she wanted to see.

Ed stopped behind some bushes, and whispered to the group, “He’s over there.” 

They carefully and quietly peeked through the bushes and saw the lion, just as Ed had said.  Sitting on a log, the lion had his head down.  He appeared to be crying.

Natalie quietly stepped out from behind the bushes.  Her friends had tried to stop her, but it was too late.  She had moved quickly and was now slowly walking over to where the lion was sitting.  Her friends were terrified that the lion would do something to her.

“I can’t look,” whispered Bowman as he covered his face with his paws.

“Oh, the poor girl,” said Crystal. 

Natalie carefully walked over to the lion.  The lion did not seem to notice her, but just sat there with his head down.

“What’s the matter, Mr. Lion?” Natalie quietly asked.

The lion lifted his head and looked at her with big tears in his eyes. 

“I’m all alone,” he said, a big lion tear rolling down his cheek.

“Well, you’re not alone anymore,” Natalie said.  She sat down on the log next to him and carefully put her good arm around his shoulder.  He put his head on her shoulder and cried.

Soon, he lifted his head up and looked at Natalie.

“Why have you been alone?” asked Natalie.

“Because all the woods animals think I’ll hurt them,” the lion said.  “I don’t want to hurt anybody,” he said, sadly shaking his head.

Meanwhile, Silverton and his friends had been watching.  They had first been frightened but were surprised when they saw Natalie sit down next to the lion, and he put her head on her shoulder.  When they saw the lion had been crying, they looked at each other and realized that nobody was afraid anymore.  They all felt sad for the lion. 

They quietly walked over to where the lion and Natalie were sitting. 

“Hello, Mr. Lion,” Silverton said.

“Hello,” responded the lion.

“You’re not going to hurt us, are you?” asked Bowman.

“I don’t want to hurt anybody,” responded the lion.

“No, he doesn’t,” said Natalie.  “In fact, he’s been out here all alone because you’ve been afraid of him.”

“We’re sorry, Mr. Lion,” Crystal said.  “We didn’t mean to make you feel sad.”

“Oh, I know that didn’t mean to make you feel sad,” Natalie said to the lion.  “These are my friends, and they can be your friends, too.  What’s your name?”

“Mo,” the lion said, sniffling. 

“Hello, Mo.  I’m Natalie,” said the girl.

“Hello, Natalie.  That’s a pretty name,” said Mo.

Natalie thanked him and proceeded to introduce all the animals to Mo.  Mo assured all of them that he wouldn’t hurt them, and they assured him that they would be his friends.  They were all curious as to how he was in the woods.  He told them that he had grown up in a zoo with his mom.  He told of how he was fed good food and had a big place to run around.  He told them that his mom told him they were moving to another zoo.

“One day,” he said, “we got on a big truck to go to the other zoo, and as we were on the road, I fell off the truck.” 

“Oh, that’s terrible,” said Bowman. 

“I’ve been out here all alone ever since,” Mo sobbed.

“Well, you won’t be here alone anymore,” said Silverton.

All his friends agreed and came up to Mo and gave him a hug.  It was quite amusing to see Ed try to reach up and give the lion and hug, and in the end, Mo bent real low to make it work.

“Thank you,” Mo told Natalie as he gave her a big hug, “thank you for helping me find some friends.”

Natalie looked him right in his eyes, and said, “You are very welcome.”

The new friends all wanted to hear Mo’s adventures, and he told them everything.  Bowman kept offering him honey and Crystal kept patting his paw during the sad parts, but soon Mo was curious why Natalie was in the woods all by herself. 

Natalie shared her story with Mo as she did with Silverton and the group.  Silverton, Bowman and Crystal would jump in to share some fact that Natalie would forget to mention.  When Natalie described her home, Mo got very excited.  He started jumping up and down.

“I know where your home is, I know where your home is,” he kept saying.

“You do?” Natalie asked, excitedly.

“I do, I do, I do,” Mo answered, even more excitedly.  He proceeded to describe the color of the house and the way the yard looks.

Natalie was so excited that if her arm didn’t hurt so much, she would’ve wrapped both arms around the lion and hug him as hard as she could. 

“Do you know how to get there?” Natalie asked Mo.

“Yes, I do,” Mo answered, “but it’s a little far.  If we start walking now, we should get there before it gets dark.”

“Well, lead the way, Mo,” said Silverton.

“You’re coming with us?” Natalie asked.

“Of course,” said Silverton.

“All the way,” said Crystal.

“That’s what friends do,” said Ed.

“And I’ll bring the honey in case we get hungry along the way,” said Bowman, and everybody laughed.

So, they all started walking.  Mo made sure to walk right next to Natalie.  Pup walked on the other side of her, and Silverton, Crystal, Bowman and Ed followed closely.

“If you’re tired of holding your arm, you could rest your arm on my back,” Mo told Natalie.

“Oh, thank you, Mo,” Natalie said, “my other arm is getting awfully tired.”

Natalie gently placed her arm on Mo’s back, and he was careful to walk close to her and not to be so shaky in his walk.  Natalie was very grateful that she could rest her arm on the lion.  It helped ease the pain a little bit, but it was such a great comfort to know that he and the others were doing everything they could to help her. 

Silverton tried to keep Natalie’s spirits up by describing all his adventures in the woods, and the others would share their stories as well.  It was starting to get dark, and Natalie was beginning to get scared, but Mo assured her that they were getting closer.

After they walked a little longer, Natalie began to look around. 

“This looks familiar,” she said. 

“Does it?” asked Crystal.

“Yes,” Natalie said excitedly, “yes, I’ve walk by this place many times with my father.”

“Yes, we’re getting close,” said Mo.

Natalie was so relieved that she starting laughing and soon they were all laughing with her.  They walked a little longer and soon Natalie’s home came into view, and seeing the home, Pup ran off towards it.  Natalie was so excited and happy she wanted to start running, too, but she turned towards Silverton and everybody.

“Thank you, thank you so much,” Natalie said.  She outstretched her good arm and all the animals came together for a big group hug. 

“Thank you,” she repeated, “thank you for helping me find Pup and helping me get home.”

All the animals said they were glad they could help, and said they’d be here whenever she needed help.  They all pulled away so she can get on her way, but Mo held on to her tightly. 

“Thank you,” Mo said, “thank you, thank you.”

“For what, Mo?” Natalie asked.

Mo looked at her with a big lion tear in his eye, “For helping me find new friends.”

Natalie understood that Mo was the one to help her get home, and she was grateful that she was able to help him as well. 

“You are very welcome, Mo,” Natalie said.  “Thank you for helping me with my arm and helping me get home.”

“You’re my best friend,” Mo said.

“We are best friends, aren’t we?” she responded, and he nodded with great enthusiasm.

“Natalie,” a voice was heard from a distance, and immediately tears came to Natalie’s eyes.  She knew it was her father, and she knew she had found her way home.

She turned and started running towards her home.  Running, running, as fast as she could.  The tears rolled down her cheeks because she was so happy that she was home and so thankful for Silverton and his friends for helping her.

Suddenly, she saw her dad, and she ran even faster. 

“Daddy,” she yelled, and he saw her.  A giant smile appeared on his face as he began running to her as he called out her name.

She jumped into his arms, and they held each other tightly. 

“You’re home, baby.  You’re home,” he kept saying.

Silverton and his friends watched from a distance.

“I hope we get to see her again,” Bowman said.

“We will,” Silverton said.  He turned to Mo and patted him on the shoulder, “We’ll see her again someday.”

Mo smiled, happy that he helped his best friend find her way home.

Natalie and her dad continued hugging.  They cried and they laughed, as he spun her around in circles.  Now it may have been because she was home, or maybe because she was in her father’s arms, but her arm no longer hurt.

She was right where she wanted to be; home and safe in her Daddy’s arms.

THE END